All or nothing.
It’s a phrase that is commonly thrown around. It’s a phrase that my mind can comprehend, but my body cannot.
This is what I’ve realized: I am an “all in” kind of girl when it comes to my emotions and relationships, and here’s why:
1. I feel everything. I care too greatly. I love too quickly.
2. I pour my heart into my job.
3. I apologize when I shouldn’t have to. I share too much.
4. I feel a strong inclination to hug after every work meeting I have.
5. I crave deep conversations.
6. I trick my friends into getting coffee and make them tell me who they really are and what they’re passionate about.
7. I write love notes to said friends like I am in seventh grade.
8. I always ask to hold hands or bury my head in someone’s shoulder while we pray.
9. I give a five minute explanation for a two second answer.
10. I spend time dreaming about dates for me and my non-existent boyfriend.
11. I don’t know how to take things slow.
12. I don’t know how to not touch someone’s shoulder when they’re sharing something important.
13. I don’t know how not to attach to someone that spends time with me.
14. I don’t know how to walk down the street with a friend without interlocking arms.
15. I don’t know how to shake hands, I only know how to hug.
16. I don’t know how to hide what I’m feeling.
I guess I don’t how not to be “all-in.” And that’s OK by me.
Honestly, I’m just not that good at being a little bit.
I’m a lot.
I feel a lot. I talk a lot. I cry a lot. I laugh a lot.
But what I’m learning is that it’s OK to be a lot. It’s OK to feel everything. It’s alright that my heart can’t take it easy. I’d rather love with everything that I have than to not know how to love. I’d rather trust than to not know how to trust. I’d rather give a lot than give a little.
I know God made me this way. I know that my purpose in life is to love, and to love greatly. I know that I am wired for deep connections. I know the right person will walk into my life and be ecstatic to love me the way I love him.
So today I am going to try to stop apologizing for who I am.
I’m going to share too much and love too strongly and feel more than think.
I’m going to love loudly and passionately, because that’s what I know and that’s who I am.
I encourage you to as well, however you’re composed. There’s only one of you, and there’s only one of me. So let’s stop trying to be one other and be ourselves.
More About the Author
Lauren is a twenty something woman who absolutely loathes writing in third person. She lives in the beautiful city of San Francisco and works as a youth director/social media producer at a church called Canvas. Highly sensitive (and proud), Lauren typically writes about relationships, feelings, and faith. For a high-five or smile, you can find her running around the streets of San Francisco most likely shivering with a iced soy vanilla coffee in hand.